Today is an important anniversary.
On November 6, 2015, in a chapel at Camp Tekawitha in eastern Kansas, I reverted back to my Catholic faith. That night, I received the sacrament of confession for the first time in a very long time. The priest told me, “Welcome home,” and I sobbed all the way through. That night, I witnessed adoration for the first time that I could remember, and I received Christ’s loving gaze in the Eucharist. I met Jesus there, and was convinced that it was true. It was all true.
And if it was all true, then my life needed to change.
Fast forward seven years, and you have where I am today. Still practicing, still faithful (or, trying to be). Yet, in many ways I am so very, very different from the nineteen year old who met Christ at that college retreat. I have grown, and changed, and matured in my faith. I have been broken, and I have been healed, and I am learning the difference between pursuing God for His own sake and pursuing the feelings I’ve experienced of being loved by God.
I am no longer the woman who longed to be in the chapel, who daydreamed about adoration and romanticized her relationship with God. No, things are quieter now. I am quieter now. The Lord is doing His work deeper, in more hidden ways. The heights of emotion no longer sway me the way they once did. Instead, the Lord speaks to me softly, in my calm and quiet moments, so that I may know that it’s Him and not something of my own imaginings. I think faith often grows this way. Quietly. Gently. God becomes someone Who is steady in your life, and so over time you rely less on feelings of faith and you focus instead on living in faith. I sometimes wish for the “love I had at first”, to be fervent and fiery and impassioned with love. But I think the truth is, that faith was weaker.
Maybe being on fire with love of the Lord looks like being faithful. Maybe it means doing the work, taking the time, being open to God’s Word. Maybe loving God doesn’t look like feelings of love.
Maybe it just looks like commitment.
This is a short one today, guys. But I hope you find it worthwhile. God bless you!