When you’re running into a wall

Hey y’all, I don’t have a lot to say this week.

The past several weeks have been full of good things, challenges, and lots and lots of emotions. I’m feeling a little tired and overwhelmed by it all, and unsurprisingly I have no idea where things are going. I’m happy to have my boyfriend. I’m happy to have my support system. I’m happy to have my friends and family who are more than willing to tell me when I’m wrong and lead me in the right direction. I’m happy for all of these things, and I know that I have everything I need to face the uncertainty ahead of me.

This uncertainty isn’t bad or scary. It isn’t extraordinary or uncommon. It’s just an unknown to me. It’s a decision I have to make that I don’t know how to answer yet. It’s choosing what I want when what I want is unclear. It’s forging the path of my academic future without knowing how it plays out. And I need to be okay with that.

Because the truth is, I can’t make this decision yet. I can’t choose anything. I can’t pick a path and forge ahead because something has been holding me back: an unmet desire and a secret fear, a hidden resentment that needs trust and healing. I have been trying so hard to look at the symptoms that I have been missing the real problem. I have been looking for solutions that won’t actually take care of what I need. In order to gain clarity of heart and make the best decision I can, I need to spend my time dealing with this. And that is the really hard work.

It’s taken me some time to reach this place, to realize that all the unsettledness I have been feeling in my job and pursuing my PhD have nothing to do with the job itself but with a damaged relationship in much need of healing and reconciliation in my heart. It’s taken time for me to gather the courage and strength to take a step away and stop trying to force myself past all the hurt I’ve been feeling so that I can take some time to be in it. There’s been a reason I keep running up against a wall. There’s a reason I can’t move forward. I just haven’t been able to see it until now, until I took a step back and finally looked.

Do you ever feel like you’re running up against a wall? Like you keep trying and trying to push yourself past something and you just can’t seem to make it through? Maybe there’s a fear in your heart that needs tending, or a hurt that needs healing. Maybe there’s some relationships that need mending, or resentments that need forgetting. It’s possible the reason you keep running into something is because there’s something inside you keeping you back, stopping you from seeing things clearly and moving forward with confidence. Unacknowledged hurts have a way of doing that.

Friends, pay attention to your hearts. Notice when it feels like you’re running into the same wall over and over again. It may be that there’s something in your heart that you haven’t acknowledged yet, clouding your vision and using your strength. Maybe it’s time to find the Lord in it, to stop trying to move just for a second so that you can be where He is, so you can let Him remove the thorn from your eye and help you to see the truth. Because sometimes the only way forward is to take a little time looking back.

I guess I had something to say this week after all. Happy Halloween friends.