I’m not used to asking for what I want.
Coming from a family of triplet girls, there was always a lot going on in our house. There were always places to go, things to do, and mouths to feed. And, me being the typical middle child that I am (those same sibling dynamics exist even for triplets), I learned from an early age that the best way to help control the chaos was to step back and stay out of the way. There was no room for personal dreams, not to my little child’s mind. There was too much going on, and I didn’t want to add to it by talking about what I wanted. So I got in the habit of taking the backseat, and taking my desires with me.
Fast forward 25 years, and I’m finally seeing how this mentality has shaped my fundamental relationships: with my family, with myself, and most importantly, with God. Years of hiding my heart, years of silence and unacknowledged desire, have made it difficult for me to step into the arenas of my life where I most want to see growth. I sit in front of God, and my heart aches, and I hardly have the strength to look Him in the eyes and tell Him why.
Yet I can feel Him calling me. He looks at me earnestly, silently gazing at my face as I look away. He is waiting for me. He is waiting for me to ask. He is waiting for me to tell Him, once again, what it is that I want. There will be no running away. There is no hiding from Him. Not this time.
Resignedly, I lift my face back up. I meet His gaze in the crucifix. I heave a deep sigh. And I tell Him again, “Jesus, this is what I want. These are my specifications. Here are the details, one by one, of what I want You to do for me. I don’t yet ask You with deep faith, with holy confidence and bold hope. I do not yet ask You with joy and expectation. But here I am, and I will ask again.”
The Lord has made clear His desire to meet us. He has made it known that He wants to hear us. There is no denying what He will do if only we would lift our eyes, open our mouths, and speak the words He longs to hear.
Friends, where is the Lord asking you to meet His gaze today? Where is He asking you to begin, a little at a time, to reveal your heart to Him?
Is it in a desire that you’ve kept tucked away?
Is it in a sin that you’re having trouble confessing?
Is it in a trouble or a care for someone you love?
If you can today, take a look at your crucifix. See in it the gaze of Christ. Feel His love, His patience, His calm yet attentive waiting. See Him sitting across from you, holding out His hand. And when you’re ready, just take His hand. Look in His eyes. And speak, out loud, what you want Him to hear.
Oh how He loves you, sisters. Will you let Him do that today?