“I don’t know if He’ll be faithful to this dream. But I know that He’s faithful to me right now.”
In my last post, I started talking about the dreams the Lord is putting on my heart. I’m excited about those dreams. I’m excited at the growing desire to share my story with others, to openly and honestly bare my heart so that they may know that there is hope. I’m excited about the opportunities to serve in a way that is particular and unique to me. I’m excited to explore all the different ways the Lord may be calling me to this service, and to dive into whatever He puts in front of me.
There is a burning in my heart, a longing to give myself away so that you may know the Lord our God loves you and always has, that there is hope and healing for you and that you are not alone. This desire has been growing for months and I can’t wait to see how it comes to fruition.
At the same time, I’m finding myself at a bit of a crossroads, because as this new dream and all this excitement emerges, I’m leaving behind another dream that I thought I wanted more. While eagerly pouring my heart into these new avenues and opportunities I am mourning the loss of the thing I wanted most.
I thought I was going to get married this year. My boyfriend and I were both excited about the idea and excited about each other and when this year started I thought that was where I was going. Then, all of a sudden it wasn’t. All of a sudden fear and doubt crept in and everything was unclear until finally we broke. It wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t going to happen.
I have a lot of peace that things have ended up where they need to be. It’s better that we’re not together. But at the same time it’s hard to shake the pain of losing that dream that I was so excited about. I deeply desire to be a wife and a mother. In the wake of this breakup I know I’m being asked to put that dream down and frankly, I don’t want to right now. I want to hold onto it. I think there’s a piece of me that’s afraid to let it go. If I put it down, if I set it aside, will God still be faithful to fulfilling it? Am I exchanging one dream for another, and does the emergence of this new path somehow remove the possibility of the other?
Deep down I know it’s not true, that my mind is creating a false dichotomy and that these dreams are not in opposition to one another, but I’m just struggling to see that right now. And the thing is, that’s okay. It’s okay to feel the tension and to not be ready yet. It’s okay to be simultaneously mourning one thing and rejoicing another. It’s okay to not know how God will be faithful, or to admit that I’m not sure if He will be faithful at all. This is where I am today, and there doesn’t need to be a pretty resolution to that.
I love the Lord. I trust Him. I know that He is faithful. Right now I feel hurt and rejected and because of that, I’m experiencing doubt that He will be faithful to this area of my life where I’m hurt. But that doesn’t need to derail me.
I don’t know if He’ll be faithful to this dream. But I know that He’s faithful to me right now. I know that He’s faithful to sitting next to me while I experience all of these things and that He’s faithful to giving me Himself. I know that He’s faithful to healing me and that He will heal me here too. It’s okay for me to be feeling all of these feelings and struggle to adjust to the reality the Lord is placing before me. I see that it is good. This way is good and exciting and full of promise, but it’s not the way I thought I would go and part of my heart is still mourning that. So I’m calling this season a “season of adjustment,” where I’m starting to move forward while also giving myself time to look back. I’m starting to shift my focus to the here and now while also allowing myself to embrace the tension of letting go. This season is turbulent and difficult, but it is also beautifully and painfully growing me in the art of walking beside the Lord at all times and letting Him love me even when I don’t have it in me to love Him back.
I’m emotionally drained, but grateful. I’m hurt, but rejoicing. This is what this season needs to be.