I am a broken and beautiful woman.
For a long time I didn’t understand what that meant. I didn’t understand how I could be both of these things, at once imperfect and immaculate. The reason for this is that I spent a lot of time focusing on my brokenness. This included physical flaws, mental illness, the burning desire to do everything right and be able to do it without help, and the litany of sins that I convinced myself were somehow excusable for everyone else, just not for me. It also must have included hundreds of other little things that I never knew but still built my identity around.
Living out of this brokenness, I did everything I could to make sure I was as perfect as possible. I got straight A’s. I did all the extracurriculars. I always behaved and did what I was told. I was the perfect, self-sufficient child who never needed anything.
And I was lonely.
In all this hustle and perfectionism I was trying so hard to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be that I forgot to be who I am. I never really asked myself what I wanted because it was never about what I wanted. It was about how I could prove that I was worthy of love. And I had to prove it because deep down I didn’t really believe it.
Over many years and through many trials I have finally reached a place where I really do believe it. I am coming to understand that I am worthy of love, that being exactly who I am right now is all I need to be to deserve love. Nothing else is needed from me. Nothing is required of me. Me, who I am, is loved. I am the precious and honored daughter in Isaiah 43:4. I am the one for whom the Lord God would give up the nations. I am the one for whom He would give up His life. And it has nothing to do with what I’ve done and everything to do with who I am.
I am His beloved.
I decided to start a blog for Lent. In this blog I’m planning to write about this journey of navigating the complex reality of being beloved, of the struggles and trials it has taken to get to where I am, and where I still need to go. I also plan to include writings from other amazing women about their journeys. I hope that what it written in these pages is guided by the Holy Spirit and blesses your heart as you read along.
We are all broken and beautiful, sisters. We all have wounds. We all have struggles. We all have sins. None of this discounts us from being lovable and none of it keeps us from being loved. We are precious and honored in the eyes of God and that gaze doesn’t change for a moment. It is my hope that in sharing the journey together, we can all come to understand this monumental truth in a new way, myself included. So, welcome to the blog! I look forward to journeying with you.